The Futility of “If Only”

Two days ago, a helicopter carrying 8 passengers and the pilot crashed into the side of a mountain due to inclement weather. It made national news immediately because of one famous passenger, in particular–Kobe Bryant–as well as his daughter. But as time went on, more light was shed on the other passengers as well. There were fathers, daughters, mothers, wives, husbands, coaches–all headed to a basketball camp. Kobe Bryant was 41; his daughter, Gianna, was 13. He died in the “prime of life”–as we would be tempted to say–at the height of his basketball career. Gianna’s life had barely gotten started, or so it would seem. All of the passengers seemed to have so much more of life ahead of them–so much promise. It’s impossible not to ache for those left behind–Kobe’s wife, as well as their other 3 daughters, including an infant, for starters. While many may not remember the exact date as time goes on, I will. It would have been my father’s 100th birthday, had he still been alive. He lived until 91 years of age, after, fighting in WW II and the Korean War, smoking 3 packs a day for 30 years before he finally quit, surviving an aortic aneurysm at age 69 and, ultimately, succumbing to kidney disease at 91.

The knee-jerk response when such a devastating loss occurs is to say, “If only.” If only the pilot had decided it wasn’t safe to fly in such inclement weather, as others, including the Los Angeles Police Department (which had grounded its helicopters until the afternoon), had already concluded that morning. If only the camp had started on a different day. If only there hadn’t been any camp at all. If, if , if. We want to change the circumstances to get a different outcome. It seemed so senseless and tragic and avoidable.

Their lives were cut short, many would say. This certainly wouldn’t have been said of my father. It could have been said of my husband, who passed away at 66; I was hoping for more time with him. Years ago, that seemed old; now it seems on the youngish side of old, considering my mother and his parents lived into their eighties. But to say the lives of the victims of the helicopter crash were cut short negates one of the basic truths of the Bible, and that is that we are not guaranteed a certain number of days, months or years on earth. Even though Psalm 90:10 says, “Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures…”, this is by no means a promise or a guarantee, nor should it be an expectation; it is only a very fluid average. The fact is that a “normal” life span for each of us is whatever days the Lord ordained for us before time began. Psalm 139:15-16 says, “My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.”

I read an article recently about suicide. The author wrote, “I’ve been asked more than once if those who commit suicide are barred from heaven. The answer is ‘no.’ The manner of a person’s death does not determine their relationship with God. When a Jesus follower chooses to end his or her life, I think Jesus meets them with a mixture of sadness, because they have arrived at heaven early, and compassion, because He understands their pain.” Compassion, yes. Sadness, no. If we believe that God knows the days ordained for us, it is impossible to arrive in heaven early, or late, for that matter. We arrive precisely on time, down to the last second, according to God’s perfect timetable for each one of us. If we believe what the Bible says, our lives can’t be cut short. To suggest that someone can arrive in heaven early is to presuppose that God isn’t omnipresent, omniscient and all-powerful. It is to suggest that God blinked, got blindsided, got distracted, or had an oversight and someone’s or someones’ lives slipped through His hands without His permission or against His plan.

One of the hard things to wrap our heads around when relatively young people die, or anyone, for that matter, is the tragic circumstances surrounding their deaths–whether it be due to an accident, illness, murder or suicide. That’s what makes it so tempting to say, “If only.” I’ve often thought it would be easier, emotionally, if we all died in our sleep rather than by any other means. Couple that with a strong belief that God knows the days ordained for us and that nothing will alter our date of death, and we might live life differently. We would still be sad when a loved one died, but our minds wouldn’t play games trying to alter the circumstances leading up to death. If we truly grasped that everyone’s days on earth are numbered, and that this is by God’s design, instead of having 70 years floating in the back of our minds, we might be more intentional about our relationships. The reality is, due to the sinfulness of man and the broken world we live in, death is rarely pain-free, either for the one dying or for the loved ones left behind. But God uses the circumstances surrounding death, whether immediate or drawn out, to refine us like silver and purify us like gold (Zechariah 13:9).

Job was a man who experienced great pain and loss in his life, but his faith in God was impeccable. God said of him, in Job 1, “there is no one like him on earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil.” Satan questioned Job’s faith and wondered how he would hold up under great adversity. He was sure Job would curse God. God gave Satan permission to test Job by taking away almost everything he had, including his 7 sons and 3 daughters. While he grieved deeply, his response to such loss was, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” And scripture continues, “Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” Satan, the father of doubters, asked God for permission to test Job one more time. He believed Job would turn away from God if he was physically afflicted, so he covered Job with painful, blistering boils. Job’s wife had had it. She retorted angrily to Job, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” To which Job, ever faithful to God, responded, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” Few of us have experienced the depths of Job’s suffering and loss, but we have all experienced excruciating pain, sorrow and adversity. How do we respond? Do we get bogged down in the fruitless “if only”s of life? Do we get angry at God and turn our back on Him? Or do we cling to Him and fully trust Him with our lives and the lives of those we love? While I would love to have had more time with Bruce on earth, a truth we fervently clung to was, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our
salvation.” Psalm 68:19