I didn’t expect to be here.

People worldwide are obsessed–and understandably so–with protecting their bodies, those of their loved ones, and those of complete strangers by social distancing, washing hands, wearing masks, and other protective measures in light of the devastating Coronavirus pandemic. But what on earth are we doing to protect our minds, and our hearts, for that matter? Sometime, in the not too distant future–very likely before COVID-19 has subsided, some will truly have lost their minds. It is coming to your neighborhood soon–not only Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but “Current” Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can feel it in the air and see it on the faces of the few strangers I encounter almost every day. Therapists and counselors will soon be in high demand, if they aren’t already. A new pandemic is right around the corner; while the majority of the masses may not lose their lives from the Coronavirus, many could lose their minds. Only time will tell the extent of the resulting devastation.

As a widow for almost 5 months now, and living a socially distanced life while my husband went through rehabilitation after his stroke last June, I am no stranger to isolation and loneliness. I’ve been living “it” for months and months and months. There are many, many people in my shoes, in one form or fashion, who have been living it much longer. Welcome to our world. The isolation and loneliness have only intensified for us as restrictions continue to be put in place to protect the public at large.

There are those who feel lonely even though they are surrounded by people on a regular basis, even now. You know who you are. The bottom line is that we all experience loneliness and isolation at some time or another, but especially now, I suspect–whether we are physically alone or not. We miss our family, friends and co-workers. We miss going to church or social events. We feel isolated and anxious from having been removed from what used to be our daily routines, our education, our careers, our financial security. Going on walks is one of the few safe activities I can do right now, but even that isn’t normal anymore. As soon as people see me coming, they move to the other side of the street–usually with someone, or several “someones”, by their side–often looking down and offering no smile. It’s quite unsettling.

Listen up, people. This battle we are facing together is not just a physical one. As horrific as the physical battle seems at the moment, the spiritual one, which involves our minds and emotions, is far more serious and insidious. Satan is out to destroy our minds through our fragile, battered, frazzled emotions. He wants us to question whether or not we truly have an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, loving God in charge of all that is going on. After all, how could a loving God allow such devastation? Doubting God is exactly the tactic Satan used to woo Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden; and we know how that turned out. Satan wants God’s children to turn their backs on God. And if we do, he will continue to attempt to woo us and to dismantle us, one frayed emotion at a time. But, ultimately, he will not succeed. No one can snatch us out of the Father’s hand. Not even Satan.

Satan is sneaky and crafty. He wants those who are not God’s children to think that if they pull out the stops and show unlimited kindness, charity, caring and concern for their fellow man that they will find peace and contentment in the midst of the storm from a sense of satisfaction from doing all they could to make the best of an abysmal situation. Most of us will be okay at the end of the day, right? This can’t last forever, right? But those efforts will never be enough, in and of themselves, to dispel anxiety or to find lasting, soul-satisfying purpose and significance in our lives. We imperfect humans can’t fix our broken world. Many are finding out that we are not as independent and self-sufficient a race as we originally thought. God made each of us with a God-shaped vacuum that can only be filled by Him. Our Creator made us to be completely dependent on Him and to be completely satisfied by Him.

So, in the midst of this ferocious spiritual battle, how do we protect our minds and guard our hearts? With thankful hearts, through constant communion with our heavenly Father in prayer, and through saturating our minds with God’s truths. It is difficult to be overwhelmed with anxiety when we are consistently doing these things:

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!  Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8

Never forget who the enemy is; do not underestimate him:

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith…”. I Peter 5:6-9

Take advantage of what God has given you to fight this spiritual battle:

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:10-17

Pour out God’s love, provision and comfort on others. Be mindful of their emotional and spiritual needs, not just their physical needs. You will be blessed while you bless, less anxious as you reduce someone else’s anxiety, and you might, through God’s grace, keep someone from losing his/her mind.

“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I Peter 1:6,7

Our pastors started preaching a series of sermons from I Peter shortly after my husband’s death, and it couldn’t have been more timely, especially in light of the trials and testing my husband and I faced throughout his 5 1/2 months of rehabilitation after his stroke, before Jesus called him Home. Peter’s exhortations to believers, in his two epistles, to be strong in one’s faith in the midst of trials, are particularly noteworthy because Peter was so weak in his faith at a most crucial moment when Jesus was about to be crucified. He was afraid to be identified with Christ and denied his association with Him 3 times. But here was a man who did a 180 after Jesus’ death. If anyone needs encouragement that a life can dramatically change for the better, through the power of Christ, Peter is your poster child.

I had never really focused on two little words in I Peter 1:6 until recently: “if necessary.” The word “if” can be used in two different ways. I call them the conditional “if” and the certain “if”. The result of a conditional “if” is dependent on an action or a choice. For example, “If you eat your dinner, then you will get dessert.” Or, “If it stops raining, then we will go swimming.” Or, a more life-changing example, “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, [then] you will be saved.” (Romans 10:9). Confession and faith are prerequisites to salvation through Christ. If, then.

Then there’s the certain “if.” Scripture is full of them. For example, “If any man is in Christ [and there are so many], he is a new creation.” (II Corinthians 5:17). It’s a given. “If we confess our sins [and his faithful followers will], He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (I John 1:9). “If you know that He is righteous [and we do], [then] you know that every one also who practices righteousness is born of Him.” (I John 2:29).

And from James, “For we all stumble in many ways. If any one does not stumble in what he says, [then] he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well.” (James 3:2). In this case, due to our inherent sinful natures, it is a certainty that we will not be able to avoid stumbling in what we say and will, therefore, never be able to bridle our tongues, let alone our entire bodies, while on this earth. It is not possible to be perfect on earth. That is what our ongoing sanctification through tribulation is all about. Perfection awaits us when we finally meet Jesus face to face. As James says, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4).

There are examples of where the certain “ifs” confront personal choices. For instance, “Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ [and there is], if there is any consolation of love [and there is], if there is any fellowship of the Spirit [and there is], if any affection and compassion [and there are], make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:1-4). Our triune God–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit–provides us with the means to encourage, love, fellowship with and be compassionate towards our fellow men and treat them as if they are more important than us. We have been given the tools, but we must use them; it takes selflessness, intentionality, and practice.

When I read, “In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary [and it is], you have been distressed by various trials…,” I will admit that I snorted inside my head at the clause, “if necessary.” Not with disdain, but with the certainty of the truth of this tiny statement. I have been taught and have experienced the fact that suffering is an inherent part of our earthly journey. It is a defining characteristic; it is an undeniable, certain “if.” It is inescapable; it’s not optional. We will face many trials and tribulations while we live on this earth.

We are commanded to rejoice in the midst of these trials–to rejoice always and to give thanks in everything. I am so very, very thankful that God allowed me to go through the joys and the trials of my husband’s stroke, rehabilitation, and graduation to heaven before the Coronavirus hit. It gave me precious time to focus on him and on us. Had the timing been different, I might have been restricted in being able to spend time with him–his final weeks and days–and it would have been heartbreaking. God was so generous and gracious to me. I ache for those who have been restricted from visiting their loved ones in similar situations at this time.

I am so very encouraged to see the large number of people who are finding their hope and comfort in Jesus during these uncertain times. Without Him, we have no hope, while on earth or when we face eternity. My prayer is that those who are filled with anxiety about their future, especially under the current circumstances, will place their trust in Christ and take refuge in the shadow of His wings.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust!”
For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.

For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.” (Psalm 91:1-4, 11)

 

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…”. (from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens).

Our country continues to reel from the physical effects (for many), the serious financial repercussions (for many, many more), and the professional, social and/or educational consequences of social distancing (for everyone) due to the present and potential future incapacitation caused by the Coronavirus. Frustration, fear, anxiety and hysteria fill the air. Anger is not far behind and is starting to seep into the posts and newsfeeds that I read–anger (and judgement) over what others are doing or not doing in regard to personal responsibility and social distancing. On a positive note, many are offering suggestions as to how to make the best of the self-imposed isolation resulting from the social distancing recommendations and mandates being issued at all levels of government.

Having faced the most challenging, life-changing trials in my life during the past 9 1/2 months, I can’t help but wonder if this is the most extreme life event that the majority of the people have experienced during their lifetimes, based on the shock, anxiety, and hysteria that is evident. Is this the first time many have faced potential debilitating illness, loss of life, isolation, loss of work, financial failure, and an unknown future of this caliber? I know that for so many people, this is not the case. I think of so many who have faced far, far worse than I have experienced. They continue to fight their own lonely health and/or financial battles every day, without the tremendous amount of empathy, support and comradery that many in our current Coronavirus crisis are experiencing as a result of working together for the common good through a shared trial. God designed us for connection–with Him and with each other. Hopefully, the lessons learned during this current crisis will help us be more empathetic towards others in the future when we no longer are struggling to the degree we are now.

By God’s grace, when we look back on 2020 one day, I pray that many will be able to say, “It was the best of times.” I pray that the generations who have been accustomed to getting what they want when they want it at the push of a button will get a sense of a simpler time in life, when my generation (and prior generations) was growing up. When we didn’t get everything we wanted and really appreciated what we had. When we had fewer choices but were more content and far less stressed. When we didn’t take spouses and children for granted and spent much more quality time with them. When families didn’t have their lives so scheduled that they rarely saw each other, much less had a meaningful conversation with one another. When we were less demanding and judgmental of ourselves and of others.

Through the Coronavirus crisis, God is giving us tremendous opportunities for positive changes in our lives and the time to pursue these changes. Now is the time to nurture our faith in God like never before, willingly embrace our necessary purification through tribulation to become more like Him, and fully place our hope and trust in the one true God who does not disappoint–our omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, loving heavenly Father. This is a time to examine our lives, our goals, our priorities and see what might need adjusting. It is a time to teach our children and grandchildren how to respond to God and to others in a time of crisis, because they will face many more in their lifetimes. It is a time to heal broken relationships. It is a time to reach out to others with God’s light, love and hope. It is a time to remember that we will not leave this earth one day earlier or later than God has ordained for us. If our faith is in God, we have nothing to fear. He is preparing a place for us in heaven when our earthly life is over.

There is currently a great shortage of many things, but we are uniquely and ironically blessed with an abundance of time. Let’s make it the best of times. Let’s make it count for the glory of God so that, one day, we can look forward to Him saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

“Well Done” by the Afters

What will it be like when my pain is gone
And all the worries of this world just fade away?
What will it be like when You call my name
In that moment when I see You face to face?
I’m waiting my whole life to hear You say

Chorus:

Well done, well done
My good and faithful one
Welcome to the place where you belong
Well done, well done
My beloved child
You have run the race and now you’re home
Welcome to the place where you belong

What will it be like when tears are washed away
And every broken thing will finally be made whole?
What will it be like when I come into Your glory
Standing in the presence of a love so beautiful?
I’m waiting my whole life for that day
I will live my life to hear You say

(Chorus)

What will it be like when I hear that sound?
All of heaven’s angels crying out:
Singing holy, holy, holy are You, Lord
Singing holy, holy, holy are You, Lord
Singing holy, holy, holy are You, Lord
Waiting my whole life for that day
Until then I’ll live to hear You say

(Chorus)
Well done

Excessive fearfulness and over-the-top hysteria are paralyzing our world with the advent and rapid spread of the dreaded Coronavirus. This is not just my take on the current state of affairs. It is being echoed by many medical professionals, including Infectious Disease Specialist, Abdu Sharkawy. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2809958409125474&id=100003340269924

The medical threat is unquestionably serious, but the mass hysteria is nothing short of alarming and out of control and is causing serious, escalating medical and financial repercussions that could be avoided.

I want to jump right to the heart of the matter. Why are so many people so paranoid, panicked, and debilitatingly fearful about this Coronavirus? In a nutshell, my guess is because they fear the possibility of pain, death and ultimate loss for themselves or for those they love; broken hearts and dreams; lives forever changed in a breathtakingly devastating way. Their only hope is in the good things and in the precious relationships which this earthly life has to offer, instead of in the One who gave these blessings, and losing any part of that is unbearable.

My friends, if our hopes, happiness, meaningfulness and fulfillment in life are based solely on good health, good relationships, and good finances alone, we are truly in trouble. It’s just not possible to have it all, all the time, or much of the time, for that matter–not that kind of “all.” And, ultimately, they don’t bring lasting satisfaction.

We live in a broken, sinful world. It is impossible for anyone to escape illness, loneliness, losses of one kind or another, broken-heartedness, and death. We will face the first four regularly in our lifetimes; we will face physical death only when the days that God has ordained for us come to a close–not a moment sooner, not a moment later–that is, if you believe in the sovereignty of God. If you don’t, there is every reason to live fearfully, Coronavirus or not. The truth is, no matter what precautions we and others take, the Coronavirus will not be the cause of our death or the ones we love without the divine plan and purpose of God in effect–for His glory and for our ultimate good. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t act responsibly in light of the health crisis, but we shouldn’t live irresponsibly and in an uninformed way, either, being easily swayed by the latest winds of terrorized thinking.

I understand the temptation to despair in the midst of adverse circumstances, particularly in light of the massive stroke my husband experienced last June. I understand the temptation to be fearful and anxious, especially when the medical staff offers little hope for recovery and/or a productive life. I understand the struggle to stay strong and trust God when circumstances appear dismal. I understand a broken heart as deeply as a heart could be broken when things take a turn for the worse and you have to release your hopes and dreams for yourself and for your loved one. I understand the loneliness and ever-present sense of loss that follow. But I also understand the peace that passes all understanding because of unswerving faith in my God whose perfect love casts out fear. I understand that I will see my beloved one day and we can celebrate together, forever, in heaven.

Scripture is full of peace-filling and soul-strengthening truths that have sustained me throughout my lifetime but, especially, in the past year. To share a few:

“But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3

“And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life’s span? If then you cannot even do a very little thing, why are you anxious about other matters?” (Luke 12:25-26).

“Peace I leave with you; I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.” Colossians 3:15

“Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!” 2 Thessalonians 3:16

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35 37-39

We will all physically die one day. But we will all live spiritually forever; the question is, where? Here’s the thing. If your faith is placed in God, you have nothing to fear. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever struggle with fear, but it means you have no cause to fear. Those who don’t believe in God and in His Son have every reason to fear both during this lifetime and afterwards. I’m not being an alarmist. I just believe what the Bible says. At a time when fear is at an all-time high, why not put your faith solely in our heavenly, omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent Father, who loves us and sent His Son to die for our sins? If you already belong to Him, believe Him. Trust that He is truly in control. Have no fear, for the right reasons.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8 (NIV)

I’ve been working on multiple projects since becoming a widow, including sifting through 44 years worth of accumulated possessions, becoming minimalistic, and creating living spaces within my home that are cozy, practical, and simplistic–and extremely decluttered for the first time in years.

One of the projects that has been on my wish list for some time was creating a master bedroom that is as dust-free as possible (I’m allergic to dust mites). The priority was to remove the worn out, forever-dirty carpet and replace it with more practical porcelain tile. It seemed straightforward. Remove the furniture from the room, remove the carpet, lay the tile, apply the grout, clean the floor, move the furniture back. The tile was installed last Friday; the grout work was done on Saturday. I should be living in my new and improved master bedroom again but, alas, I won’t be for awhile. Because I have standards and reasonable expectations.

Let’s just say that, among other frustrating snafus along the way, including carelessness in what should have been a simple act of moving furniture out of the room, the installer used light gray grout for woodgrain porcelain tile that is a deep golden brown in color. So each tile looks like it has been framed in chalk. He later said, “I just used what they gave me.” In addition, there was a light gray grout haze all over the floor, and he wanted to move my furniture back into the room on top of all of that. I said, “No,” and to come back Monday.

I scrubbed the floor twice to get rid of the haze, which actually accentuated the fact that they had used the wrong color of grout. The installers came back Monday to move the furniture back, but I sent them on their way. They were stunned. I called the manager of the installation company and said my floor had to be fixed before they would be paid. They asked me to send pictures, which I did. They said, “It looks beautiful!” I said, “No, it doesn’t.” I added, “Look, I have all the time in the world for you to get this right.” They will be coming next Wednesday to fix the problem, which they eventually admitted was a mistake. They said, “It will be expensive to fix, but we will absorb the cost.” Yes, indeed!

I mention this stressful episode in my life because it was so extremely non-stop exasperating for several days and I was getting worn down, emotionally and physically. Smack dab in the middle of this came the day marking the first year that I wouldn’t be celebrating a wedding anniversary in 44 years. I was so tired and discouraged and frustrated and asked God, “Why does this have to be so hard? Why now? I’m tired of hard.” And God said, in His still, small voice, “Child, remember who you are and remember where you’ve been.”

Who am I? I’m a child of the King, who is the object of my unswerving faith. He is my Savior and the One who has transformed me over the course of a lifetime from a shy, introverted, quiet, emotionally fragile, tender-hearted, compliant, non-confrontational, wishing-to-be-heard, “sweet thang” into a warrior who is strong, tenacious, relentless, unmovable in my convictions, a seeker of justice, a lover of mercy, and desirous of walking humbly with my God in the midst of all of the battles which God continues to lay before me to shape me, mold me, sanctify me, purify me, and to make me just like Him–and to bring glory to His name.

How did this transformation occur? When did it occur? Upon reflection, it was a gradual, progressive change–especially over the past 20 years of my life–that resulted from working through complex relationships and challenging, excruciatingly painful life events (even before my husband’s stroke and death). The change also developed as my desire for my convictions and my sense of justice to be known and heard outweighed the discomfort, awkwardness and inconvenience of speaking up and making waves–and making a difference, as a result.

One of the most impactful factors in my development was becoming involved in the world of competitive chess–at first, when my children started playing–as a low-level tournament director and, long after that, when I worked my way up to the highest certification level of directing–that of a national tournament director (NTD). It was a rather incognito life on the side, unknown to many, as I lived my dream of being a stay-at-home mother. I went from being a nervous, newbie tournament director who was on pins and needles for fear of making a mistake to, many years later, spearheading an ethics violation investigation that bears my name and which resulted in significant policy changes. I don’t share these things to boast of my achievements but to show how God took a very unassuming, quiet, shy person, and turned her into someone who was strong, bold, confident and outspoken and, above all, pursued justice (while seeking to be merciful) and who wanted to make a difference, all in the name of bringing glory to God.

My determination, boldness and tenacity were at an all-time high after my husband, Bruce, had his stroke and I interacted with the medical and rehabilitation staff day after day for 5 1/2 months. There were some who resented my interference and disrespected me for my presumed lack of medical expertise, but since I knew my husband better than they did (and had a medical background), I was not dissuaded. There were many more who were extremely supportive of my efforts and encouraged me to be as involved and to ask as many questions as I wanted to, and who even sought my opinion on how to best meet my husband’s needs.

I have thought so many times since Bruce’s stroke and death how grateful I am that our roles weren’t reversed, with me having the stroke and Bruce being the caretaker and advocate. I had the medical background; Bruce didn’t. I asked lots of questions and challenged what I was being told, standing firm in what I felt was best for Bruce–giving him every possible chance instead of throwing in the towel, which the medical staff seemed to support early on. Bruce believed that one should leave everything to the experts and not question their decisions. But on a deeper level, he was a conflict avoider; his unspoken mantra was, “Don’t make waves.” If he expressed frustration over a relationship with a co-worker, I would ask him if he had talked with him/her about it. He had not and would not. He hoped things would magically get better by just trying to be nicer. And try, he did. I know this mindset was not unique with him.

One time, during his recovery, there was a problem with one of the staff and I told Bruce that I was going to speak with the charge nurse about it. His response: “Be nice!” Ouch! He viewed confrontation as a dirty word–as being mutually exclusive from kindness and respect. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. I think Bruce struggled somewhat with my transformation from the beginning of our marriage until the end. I ended up, in some ways, becoming radically different from the person he married. I was comfortable in my ever-developing, tougher, more resilient, but still tender-hearted and empathetic skin. But I had become a wave-maker; I had become much more vocal. Bruce readily admitted that he didn’t like change, in whatever form it took. It was who he was. Had I adhered to Bruce’s way of thinking, I firmly believe his life would have had a different, less fulfilling (to me) outcome, all within the realm of God’s providence, of course. But God….

So, when I was feeling discouraged, frustrated and overwhelmed about dealing with something as relatively mundane as the ins and outs of new flooring, compared to what I have been through, God said to me, “Remember who you are and remember where you’ve been.” Amen! “…He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Dare to make a difference. Embrace change. What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. It’s never too late.

Bruce and I were married on February 22, 1975. He passed away on November 11, 2019. Some would say that this past Saturday, February 22, would have been our 45th anniversary. And thank you to those who wished me a happy anniversary. I appreciate it and know the sentiment was expressed to bring me comfort in remembering “our” day.

That being said, my convictions and my faith cause me to be very precise with terminology when it comes to dates. I prefer to say, “Bruce and I were married 45 years ago on February 22. Because, if I said, “Saturday would have been our 45th anniversary,” the unspoken thought is, “…if Bruce hadn’t had a stroke and eventually died.” But, according to God’s divine plan for Bruce and for me, Bruce was never not going to have a stroke on June 1 and he was never not going to die on November 11 from the effects of a fall. In 5 more years I will not say, “This would have been our 50th anniversary,” because God did not ordain that we would ever have a 50th anniversary. But I might say on February 22, 2025, “Bruce and I were married 50 years ago today.”

Bruce was born on November 20, 1952. He died on November 11 at the age of 66–the anniversary of his birth was 9 days later. But it wouldn’t have been his 67th birthday, because God had ordained that Bruce’s last day on earth and first day in heaven would be November 11. He was never going to have a 67th birthday.

It may seem like splitting hairs, or a simple case of semantics, but I believe the distinction is important in the way we view life events and the sovereignty of God. When we say or think, “He/she would have been ‘x’ years old, ” or they would have been married ‘x’ number of years,” we are really saying, “…if this or that hadn’t happened.” Which, to me, can be the same thing as saying or thinking, “If God had just prevented ‘so-and-so,” or, “If God had not allowed ‘so-and-so’ to happen,”…”someone would be celebrating a birthday or an anniversary (or maybe even a wedding, in the case of the death of a fiancée).”

This is why unswerving faith in the goodness and sovereignty of God is so crucial. It puts the skids on the unceasing angst caused by thinking, “If only…,” and keeps our minds and thoughts focused on the omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence of God. Nothing escapes God; nothing slips through the cracks; He never slumbers nor blinks. His thoughts and His ways are much higher than ours. The things we view as tragic are the continuous unfolding of God’s preordained work in His children to further their sanctification and purification, to keep our eyes and hearts focused on Him, to make us more like Him and, by so doing, to bring glory to His name. And He uses the desperately heartbreaking moments in life to turn the eyes and hearts of those who do not yet know Him towards the only One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

I’m grateful God doesn’t let us know in advance what our final day on earth, or those of our loved ones, will be. On the one hand, with not knowing, human’s tend to presume one’s life span (you know, 3 score and 10) and take each other for granted until something really bad happens. On the other hand, if we knew, we might spend our days dreading how little time we had left with someone instead of enjoying living life with them for the time that God has ordained.

Just to keep it real, I would like to share that Saturday was a very, very, sad day for me. I had been dreading it, being quite certain that it would be the hardest of the significant days and holidays I’ve lived through without Bruce. And it was. For the most part, I did not spend the day reflecting on our wedding or special times in our marriage; it was too painful. I mourned the loss of Bruce. I experienced the same gut-punching feeling that I did the night Bruce died. I was no longer married to Bruce. I was no longer his wife. It’s a really dark, empty feeling, and I continue to just let my mind process this reality at its own pace. But it was especially poignant on Saturday.

I did think about one endearing, bittersweet memory. Our 25th anniversary was on a Tuesday. At that time in life, I was the organizer of a chess club of 100 students at our younger daughter’s elementary school, which met on Tuesdays. So, the week before, I let the students know that chess club would be canceled on February 22 due to Bruce’s and my celebrating our anniversary. Well, when you’re in elementary school, numbers are just relative and carry little meaning. So one student told her mother that there would be no chess club because we would be celebrating our 50th anniversary (I was 47 at the time). The chess mom and I had a good laugh about that! I’m so glad I didn’t know we wouldn’t have a 50th anniversary. Ironically, one of my chess students from that chess club got married this past Saturday!

On Saturday, I watched one of my favorite movies, “Fireproof,” starring Kirk Cameron. In it he plays the role of a firefighter whose marriage is falling apart, largely due to some seriously bad choices he has made that he refuses to acknowledge or own. His father tells him he needs Jesus and gives him tools for wooing his wife back through godly, sacrificial love. At first Kirk’s character rejects the idea that his only hope is God, but out of desperation, as his wife is about to leave him, he turns his life over to God. Not only does his wife see the dramatic change in him but is so dumbfounded that she does a 180 and says she wants what he has. A beautiful song, called, “While I’m Waiting,” plays while Kirk’s character is praying for his wife to change her mind. The lyrics and tune are so mesmerizingly beautiful and perfect for me, as I wait to see how God will continue to unfold His plan for me.

While I’m Waiting

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I’ll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting

Bruce and I each grew up in Christian homes. We met in our church choir after college after Bruce had just started grad school. Christ was the center of our marriage and we loved growing individually and growing together in the Lord. Since Bruce’s death, every Sunday at church has become an especially soulful experience for me. Christ rescued us and redeemed our lives from the pit at the ultimate cost to Him of His life, and Sunday is a time where we especially focus on our sins that put Jesus on the cross and on His forgiveness of our sins that has made it possible for us to spend eternity in heaven with Him one day. In thinking about Christ’s death, especially as we are moving towards Easter, it is quite natural to reflect on Bruce’s death.

Bruce passed away on the evening of November 11 (at 11:11 p.m., to be exact). Once he had been removed from life support earlier that day, the nurses told us he could live anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Family members and friends came and went to say their goodbyes. By the time late evening came, Bruce was surrounded by me, our two sons, and my brother and sister. The mood was somber but not morbid. We simply didn’t know what to expect, and watched helplessly as Bruce’s breathing became more and more irregular. The nurses couldn’t tell us how quickly he might take his last breath, so we were uncertain how to proceed–with dinner plans, for example. No one wanted to leave, so, of course, we ordered Mexican food to be delivered for the 5 of us–it was a most appropriate choice! By the time we were notified that the food had arrived, around 10:30 p.m., Bruce seemed to be declining quickly. We could tell the nurse thought it could be any minute, and she graciously went down to the lobby to pick up our food.

Meanwhile, throughout the evening, we had the TV turned on to the Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers game (yes, we did!), partly because my brother is a huge Seahawks fan and partly because everyone in the room (including Bruce), except for my sister, were huge football fans. And this game was a nail-biter. I still remember my sister looking at the 4 of us as time progressed and saying, “Do we really need to have that on?” <<big pause>> Finally, I piped up and said, “Bruce wouldn’t mind.” It was a great distraction and a welcome relief as we waited, not knowing what to expect. Everything that needed to be said had been said. At the exact moment that the game went into overtime, we could tell Bruce was taking his last few breaths and turned off the TV. Timing is everything! (The Seahawks won in overtime, we later found out.)

Bruce took his last breath before his heart stopped beating. I had my hand resting gently on his chest, feeling his heartbeat, and then realized, finally, that his heart had stopped. 11:11 p.m. on 11/11. It was an incredibly surreal experience because, in the last few seconds of my beloved’s life, his physical appearance changed. He did not look like himself, which was both disturbing and comforting, because he clearly no longer inhabited his poor, broken down body. His deepest longings had finally been fulfilled. The phrase that continues to go through my mind every time I remember that scene, and even now, is, “He is not here; he is risen.” Exactly what the angel said to the two Marys on Easter morning when they came to annoint Jesus’ body, but found the tomb was empty. Jesus’ body had risen from the dead. Bruce’s soul and spirit had been released from his mortal body, and had been, in the twinkling of an eye, transported into the presence of his Savior. He was now, without question, celebrating in heaven!

Lent is the 6-week period of fasting, self-sacrifice, and prayer observed by Christians each year to prepare for the celebration of Easter, when Christ rose from the dead to sit at the right hand of the Father. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the Lenten season. According to tradition, the ashes used on Ash Wednesday to mark the foreheads of believers in Christ are gathered up after the palms from the previous year’s Palm Sunday are burned. This year Ash Wednesday is on February 26.

I got a phone call this past Friday from UT Southwestern Medical School. It’s strange to have their name in my list of contacts, but they have been such good friends to me since November 11. They were the last people to care for Bruce’s body and used it for medical science, and they have been so gracious and respectful each time I have spoken with them. They were calling to arrange a day to deliver Bruce’s ashes to me. <<gulp>> I knew this day was coming. They told me that they overnight the ashes and I have to be home to sign for them. Since today was a holiday, they said they would mail them tomorrow and I would get them on Wednesday. For a split second I almost said, “Can we wait until next Wednesday? That’s Ash Wednesday.”

So, I will have my own private “Ash Wednesday,” of sorts, this week. Bruce–the remains of his earthly body–will finally be coming home–3 days before what would have been our 45th anniversary. Just the thought could have completely undone me, from a human and emotional standpoint. But it unexpectedly has brought me comfort–God’s comfort. He’s well aware of the timing. How I longed for Bruce to return to our home in his physical, earthly body, but that wasn’t God’s plan. It really wasn’t what Bruce wanted, under the circumstances. This will just be a wistful but gracious, loving reminder that the Bruce I knew is Home with our heavenly Father and I will see them both one day.

It’s always the music that puts tears in my eyes each Sunday morning. I never know which song or which phrase it will be but, all of a sudden, my eyes become moist. Our final song in church this past Sunday was, “We Will Feast in the House of Zion.” I love that this song starts with the chorus, because the words and music are so jubilant. My eyes were brimming with tears as I sang. It’s impossible not to think of Bruce feasting in Zion (how he loved food!), joyfully singing with a restored heart, and weeping no more. It’s impossible not to be so ecstatically happy for him when I sing this song. To me, that is what love is–wanting God’s best for the one you love, no matter what. And that means whatever brings God the most glory, even when it’s so painful for us. Looking forward to joining the big feast in the house of Zion one day!

We Will Feast in the House of Zion

Chorus:

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things, we will say together
We will feast and weep no more

We will not be burned by the fire
He is the Lord our God
We are not consumed, by the flood
Upheld, protected, gathered up

(Chorus)

In the dark of night, before the dawn
My soul, be not afraid
For the promised morning, oh how long?
Oh God of Jacob, be my strength

(Chorus)

Every vow we’ve broken and betrayed
You are the Faithful One
And from the garden to the grave
Bind us together, bring shalom.

(Chorus)

Among other things, the Bible contains account after account of the imperfect, broken lives and relationships of real people; we are not alone. Hannah is one of my favorite heroines in the Bible. She was married to a man named Elkanah and she was barren. That being the case, Elkanah married a second wife, Peninnah. He didn’t love her nearly as much as he did Hannah (and didn’t hide the fact), but Peninnah bore him children. Messy. Having more than one wife went against what God had ordained for man (I know, I know–there were certain expectations back then regarding heirs, but still…). And when we disobey God, there are consequences. At the very least, conflict.

Hannah was a deeply burdened individual. Peninnah delighted in tormenting her relentlessly because she was barren, unlike Peninnah. “And it happened year after year, as often as she [Hannah] went to the house of the Lord, she [Peninnah] would provoke her, so she wept and would not eat.” (I Samuel 1:7). Peninnah was bitterly jealous of Hannah because of Elkanah’s deep love for Hannah; that was the real source of her disdain. She apparently didn’t treasure children as much as Hannah did; she wanted to be the #1 adored wife, instead. The grass is always greener…

Hannah was misunderstood by Elkanah, who thought his deep and undying love for her should have been more than enough to satisfy Hannah and bring her great joy. As he so eloquently asked, “Am I not better to you than 10 sons?” Wow, loaded question much? And isn’t that a little hypocritical, Elkanah? Didn’t you obtain a second wife so you could have heirs? Wasn’t Hannah’s love better than 10 sons? Some commentators suggest that Hannah showed a lack of gratefulness for what she had. I see it differently. It is possible to be immensely grateful for an adoring husband and still long deeply for children. Been there, done that.

In addition to a conniving, rival wife and an insensitive, disconnected, although devoted, husband, Hannah was grossly misjudged by the priest, Eli. She went to the temple to pour out her heart to God to request a son, whom she promised to give right back to God. Eli happened to see her praying silently in the temple. But because her lips were moving as she prayed, with no audible sound, then that must mean–Eli rashly presumed–that Hannah was drunk (I always thought drunk people were loud). Poor, sweet, gracious Hannah. Harshly ridiculed by Peninnah; grossly misunderstood by Elkanah; and, now, unfairly judged by Eli. And yet, she humbly and graciously explained to Eli why she was praying. As quickly as he had judged her, he responded with, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him.” (I Samuel 1:17)

Hannah was faithful and true to her heavenly Father. She knew that He was her only true source of fulfillment. She pleaded with Him for a son and, in His time, He eventually blessed her with Samuel. And, when he was old enough, she sent Samuel to serve Eli in the temple, just as she had vowed she would do. God rewarded her faithfulness by giving her 3 more sons and 2 daughters.

Elisabeth Elliott once said, “Marriage teaches us that even the most intimate human companionship cannot satisfy the deepest places of the heart. Our hearts are lonely until they rest in Him.” Hannah found this to be true. I knew it to be true on so many occasions, including during my infertile years. It was true throughout my marriage to Bruce. He was deeply burdened about so many things that I could not fix–very likely some that I was unaware of–both before and after his stroke. We prayed constantly for each other throughout our 44 years of marriage. And, thankfully, we both knew that God was our ultimate and perfect source of comfort, hope, and love. He was the love that would not let us go.

Are you married? Enjoy your love, especially today. Share your joys and the goodness of the Lord in your lives and marriage. Share your burdens with each other, as difficult and “unromantic” as that may be, and pray for one another regularly. Realize that your spouse is not capable of fulfilling your deepest needs and pour your heart out to God; He’s waiting to hear from you.

Are you single (or do you feel single), for whatever reason? God is the love that will not let you go. Sarai (later to become “Sarah”), the wife of Abram (later to become “Abraham”) was unable to conceive, so she gave her maidservant, Hagar to Abraham for that purpose. As soon as Hagar conceived, Sarai resented her and treated her harshly, and Hagar, understandably, fled. But an angel of the Lord came to her and gave her a promise about the son she was carrying. Hagar’s response? “You are a God who sees.” (Genesis 16:13). So, fellow single people, know that God sees you and loves you perfectly; He knows your burdens and heartaches. He cares for you and has a unique plan for you that is already in progress.

On my first Valentine’s Day without Bruce, do not grieve for me as for those who have no hope. “For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.  For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.” (I Thessalonians 4:14-18). Bruce is perfectly loved, and one day I will get to witness his joy in heaven. I am perfectly loved. And, you are perfectly loved by God, our heavenly Father–the very definition of Love.

I love Rogers and Hammerstein musicals, and “The King and I” is one of my top favorites (so many children…what can I say?). Anna, a young widow, has been employed by the King of Siam to tutor his children–in particular, the crown prince. In a moment of wistful reflection, which echoes my sentiments, she sings:

Hello young lovers, wherever you are
I hope your troubles are few
All my good wishes go with you tonight
I’ve been in love like you

Be brave, young lovers and follow your star
Be brave and faithful and true
Cling very close to each other tonight
I’ve been in love like you

I know how it feels to have wings on your heels
And to fly down the street in a trance
You fly down a street on the chance that you’ll meet
And you meet — not really by chance

Don’t cry young lovers, whatever you do
Don’t cry because I’m alone
All of my memories are happy tonight
I’ve had a love of my own

I’ve had a love of my own, like yours
I’ve had a love of my own

It has now been 3 months since Bruce passed away–one quarter of a year. It seems longer. I have been in high-alert simplification mode since his Homegoing. Purging has been pleasant, productive, and purifying. One of my big goals has been to reassess my home and make it a pleasant, unencumbered, peaceful and organized home.

More functional flooring in the bedrooms has been one of my top priorities. When we bought our home 5 1/2 years ago, it was brand new. One of the biggest surprises became the carpeted floors in the bedrooms. It was your average, tan carpeting; nothing fancy. But over the past 5 1/2 years, I became increasingly frustrated with my inability to keep the carpet clean. It became grey in the areas of highest traffic; that was not surprising. But I couldn’t get rid of the grey no matter what I did. I bought a rug shampooer and tried all sorts of cleaning products. When that didn’t work, I rented a Rug Doctor machine. No improvement. I had started thinking about replacing the carpet, at least in the master bedroom, with something more substantial. That was not high on Bruce’s priority list, so nothing happened. But then…you know. Another silver lining moment.

The new flooring for the master bedroom is coming soon. Last week I emptied out the other two bedrooms (with help) so I could get the carpet thoroughly cleaned before moving the furniture back in. When the carpet cleaner arrived on Monday, he looked at the carpet, with its numerous grey areas, and rolled his eyes. Trying to beat him to the punch, I said, “Tell me, is this carpet cheap, because I just can’t get it clean.” He paused a moment, trying to soften the blow, and said, “Yes, it’s the cheapest carpet builders put in homes. The carpet originally was grey and it was dyed tan. The grey color you see in the high traffic areas is not just from dirt. The tan dye has worn away and the original grey color is showing through. Even after I clean the carpets they will not look better.” Oh. My. Goodness. Do you see the irony? In my attempts to clean my carpets and remove the dirt, I was actually removing any existing dye, the more I cleaned. Instead of restoring the carpet to its original beauty by removing the impurities, I was stripping it down to its original, unattractive beginnings. Instead of purifying, I was exposing. So that carpet will have to go, as well. It can’t be fixed.

Before I met Bruce, I was engaged to a young man named Tom. We met at a Bible study for students at the Houston Medical Center when I was a medical technology student and Tom was a medical student. It seemed so providential. He had an outgoing and engaging personality and he loved the Lord. His family was very warm and welcoming. A few months after spending lots of time together–inside and outside of Bible study–with friends and by ourselves, we became engaged at Christmas time. On New Year’s Eve, as we were preparing to go to a New Year’s Eve party, a dear friend and former boyfriend from Texas A&M, Bob, called to see how I was doing (having no idea I was newly engaged) and to wish me a happy new year. Tom’s radar was apparently on high alert, listening to my end of the conversation. Imagine my shock when, without warning, he took the phone from my hand, mid-sentence, and told Bob that, if he ever called me again, he, Tom, would call the police. <<Dear, sweet Jesus. What had I done?>> Who was this guy? It went downhill from there.

For the next several months, it seemed like we argued constantly. We had never done that before we were engaged. It felt so wrong; I was so confused. Our constant clashing was chipping away at Tom’s veneer so that I could clearly begin to see his true colors. I discovered that Tom was a very controlling individual and was big on wives being submissive to their husbands. His expectation was, among other things, that I would ask permission to go to the grocery store once we were married. <<Even so, Lord, come quickly.>> I felt guilty even thinking about breaking our engagement. Back in the 70’s, engagements were practically as sacred as marriage and you didn’t break them without having a very good reason. I wish my parents had intervened (they knew what was going on). But they didn’t. Would I have listened to them? You bet! I was having serious misgivings and I needed someone to say, “It’s okay to walk away.”

Finally, at Easter time, I sat down with Tom and said that I no longer thought it was God’s will for us to get married. He was devastated and said the famous 4 little words, “I promise–I’ll change.” Have you ever been there, witnessing the extreme need for change either in yourself or in someone else? What I know with certainty, after having lived a fairly long life, is that when you hear those 4 little words, it is most difficult for the one saying them to actually follow through on the vow to change without some serious intervention. That is one life lesson I tried to drill into my children. Beware. In fact, turn and run as fast as you can, if at all possible. It’s a losing proposition, most of the time, except through the grace and transforming work of God.

So, what happened? Being the compliant, submissive, hopeful, trusting person I was, I believed Tom when he said he would change and I didn’t walk away. But God…. <<Jesus loves me, this I know.>> Tom’s big dream was to become a pediatrician (one reason I was drawn to him–he loved children). During the last two months of our engagement, Tom went through his pediatrics rotation–and he flunked the final exam. He would never be a pediatrician. His dreams were shattered. In utter despair, he called me one week before our wedding day and said he couldn’t go through with it. Oh, dear, sweet Jesus!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! In retrospect, I couldn’t help wonder what would have happened if this had occurred 7 days after our wedding instead of 7 days before.

Differences between two individuals can help sanctify and purify them, knocking off the rough edges and making them more like Jesus, as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). In this case, however, while sanctification no doubt was occurring, the friction was exposing a very sordid and self-centered side to Tom that I hadn’t detected before we got engaged because, on the surface, he sparkled–in the same way that the friction of washing my carpet had exposed its hidden, unattractive, original, unrefined color instead of restoring it to its deceptively beautiful but false color that so swiftly washed away.

I have thanked God regularly for the way He has been my Husband throughout my lifetime–when I needed my father to protect me from an unsavory engagement, throughout my marriage to Bruce (when he couldn’t be the perfect husband, just as I couldn’t be the perfect wife), during his ongoing recovery from his stroke, and now, as a widow.

“Fear not, for you will not be put to shame;
And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced;
But you will forget the shame of your youth,
And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the Lord of hosts.” ~Isaiah 54:4,5

My brother and sister-in-law, John and Cindy, were married 4 weeks before Tom and I were to be married. Tom was one of their groomsmen. Cindy asked me once, years ago, if it bothered me that Tom was in their wedding pictures. I replied, “Not at all! It’s a constant reminder of God’s providence and goodness and grace towards me.” I found out, eventually, that Tom had become an OB/GYN doctor. The irony of life was that our son, David, discovered, through a random conversation, that a girl he dated for a period of time in high school was delivered by Tom. We had a good laugh about that!

I can’t help but end with a favorite Stevie Wonder song, being ever-thankful to God for giving me clarity and protection at a very crucial and vulnerable time in my life–both before and after the 44 1/2 years of marriage He blessed me with Bruce:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

I think I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Premeditated: “Characterized by fully conscious, willful intent and a measure of forethought and planning” [Merriam Webster dictionary); “Planned in advance; having a purpose behind it,” (vocabulary.com); “No specific length of time is needed for premeditation.” (thefreedictionary.com); deliberate, intentional, calculated. We often think of the word “premeditated” in the negative, legal sense, as in someone committing a crime with much forethought and planning. But it is a very rich word when we consider not only God’s will but, in connection with that, our purpose in this life.

Gail MacDonald, the wife of an author that greatly inspired both Bruce and me in our Christian walk–Gordon MacDonald–wrote a book called, “Step Farther and Higher.” (Apparently, you can’t underline in WordPress, but I could be wrong; still learning.) She realized one day that companies, the military, schools, and churches each have corporate purposes, statements of objectives, mission statements, and the like. She was challenged to formulate a formal statement of purpose for her life, to keep her on track. She wrote, “The older one becomes, or the greater one’s adversity in life, the more important purpose becomes.”

Gail says the answers to our action questions–“What will I do today,” “Where will I go?”, “with whom?”–as well as the answers to our priority questions–“What’s the most important?”, “What should I be doing?”, “What should I stop doing?”, etc., need to be backed by our purpose here on earth, which requires much self-reflection on our gifts, our skills, our God-given personalities, our strengths, our weaknesses and even our experiences–bad and good–from our past. Gail continues, “If I do not have answers to these questions so that I can measure each day by them, my life will likely soon slip out of my control and into the hands of people and circumstances around me.”

I have never formally thought about my specific life purposes, but I realized, upon reflection, that God has always given me a strong, inherent sense of what I am to do and who I am to be. My starting point is the Westminster Shorter Catechism Question # 1 (I know, I often quote it, but no apologies here!): “What is the chief end of man?” And the answer: “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” Any purpose of my life must spring from that foundation. In looking back over my life, there were two desires/goals/purposes stirring deep within me from a young age regarding what I wanted to do in life: 1) I wanted to have children–and not just have them, but bear them, and, 2) I wanted to be a nurse. The 3 words that have defined my life purpose and experiences are “create,” “nurture,” and “serve.”

I never used to think of myself as a creative person, according to my definition, which was someone who could pull things seemingly out of the air, effortlessly, to make something beautiful–a painting, a song, a poem or story. For many years, I had to use recipes to make food and patterns to make clothes. My definition of creativity has broadened considerably through the years. God is the ultimate Creator, and He made us in His image. I believe, as such, He weaved creativity in each one of us.

My greatest blessing in life was being the creation-bearer of my four children. I am one of “those” women who loved being pregnant, in spite of being nauseous for the first 4 months of each pregnancy. There are very few miracles greater than feeling new life inside you. I am forever grateful to God for His gift of creation in me, since I dealt with infertility and wasn’t always sure I would be able to bear children. God satisfied my desire to nurture and serve these 4 longed-for lives for over 30 years as a stay-at-home mother.

Years ago, I had a beautiful garden full of a variety of flowers. I remember lugging twenty 40-pound bags of dirt home in the back of my mini-van multiple times to create this garden from the ground up. As my children were growing older, and needed me less, it fulfilled such a deep need within me to create and nurture, until my beloved grandchildren came along!

I enjoyed sewing when I was growing up. I didn’t learn it from my mother, since she sewed without patterns; but, I learned how in Home Economics class in middle school. And then, roughly 50 years later, God provided me with a job at an online quilting company as a customer service representative when we moved to Austin 5 1/2 years ago. I didn’t know how to quilt at the time, but I learned quickly, and fell in love with quilting; it became my new creative passion. I have enough fabric and quilting supplies to last me for the rest of my life. Seriously. My quilting has been patiently waiting for me to get my house in order so I can engage again!

Regarding my nursing career, it changed into Medical Technology (laboratory medicine) midway through college (long story). But the knowledge I learned through my medical technology training has been invaluable throughout my life for me as well as for my family, and especially for Bruce in this past year. I have been able to serve and nurture in a similar way as I might have had I become a nurse.

No words can express how thankful I am to God for simplifying my life on June 1 so dramatically and with such clarity. The only question in my mind during those first few days was would I become a widow sooner or later. By God’s grace, it was later. God gave me such a focused purpose in those early days–to nurture and to serve not only Bruce but the entire medical community who was serving him. The beauty of those 5 1/2 months is that, unlike any other time in my life, I had the luxury of not being distracted by other things vying for my attention. I could totally focus on Bruce and enjoy him in a way we hadn’t had the time to enjoy one another for a while.

And then, on November 11 the season of nurturing and serving Bruce came to an abrupt end, and a new season of simplifying my life and serving others began. What I pursue each day is measured against those two goals. I look forward to eventually having more time to nurture my grandchildren and to create, once again, in my sewing studio. I marvel at how the sense of purpose God continues to give me keeps me focused and hopeful and expectant and joyful for whatever lies ahead.

“Lord, make me to know my end
And what is the extent of my days;
Let me know how transient I am.”

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.”

Psalm 39:4, 7