False Veneers vs. True Colors

It has now been 3 months since Bruce passed away–one quarter of a year. It seems longer. I have been in high-alert simplification mode since his Homegoing. Purging has been pleasant, productive, and purifying. One of my big goals has been to reassess my home and make it a pleasant, unencumbered, peaceful and organized home.

More functional flooring in the bedrooms has been one of my top priorities. When we bought our home 5 1/2 years ago, it was brand new. One of the biggest surprises became the carpeted floors in the bedrooms. It was your average, tan carpeting; nothing fancy. But over the past 5 1/2 years, I became increasingly frustrated with my inability to keep the carpet clean. It became grey in the areas of highest traffic; that was not surprising. But I couldn’t get rid of the grey no matter what I did. I bought a rug shampooer and tried all sorts of cleaning products. When that didn’t work, I rented a Rug Doctor machine. No improvement. I had started thinking about replacing the carpet, at least in the master bedroom, with something more substantial. That was not high on Bruce’s priority list, so nothing happened. But then…you know. Another silver lining moment.

The new flooring for the master bedroom is coming soon. Last week I emptied out the other two bedrooms (with help) so I could get the carpet thoroughly cleaned before moving the furniture back in. When the carpet cleaner arrived on Monday, he looked at the carpet, with its numerous grey areas, and rolled his eyes. Trying to beat him to the punch, I said, “Tell me, is this carpet cheap, because I just can’t get it clean.” He paused a moment, trying to soften the blow, and said, “Yes, it’s the cheapest carpet builders put in homes. The carpet originally was grey and it was dyed tan. The grey color you see in the high traffic areas is not just from dirt. The tan dye has worn away and the original grey color is showing through. Even after I clean the carpets they will not look better.” Oh. My. Goodness. Do you see the irony? In my attempts to clean my carpets and remove the dirt, I was actually removing any existing dye, the more I cleaned. Instead of restoring the carpet to its original beauty by removing the impurities, I was stripping it down to its original, unattractive beginnings. Instead of purifying, I was exposing. So that carpet will have to go, as well. It can’t be fixed.

Before I met Bruce, I was engaged to a young man named Tom. We met at a Bible study for students at the Houston Medical Center when I was a medical technology student and Tom was a medical student. It seemed so providential. He had an outgoing and engaging personality and he loved the Lord. His family was very warm and welcoming. A few months after spending lots of time together–inside and outside of Bible study–with friends and by ourselves, we became engaged at Christmas time. On New Year’s Eve, as we were preparing to go to a New Year’s Eve party, a dear friend and former boyfriend from Texas A&M, Bob, called to see how I was doing (having no idea I was newly engaged) and to wish me a happy new year. Tom’s radar was apparently on high alert, listening to my end of the conversation. Imagine my shock when, without warning, he took the phone from my hand, mid-sentence, and told Bob that, if he ever called me again, he, Tom, would call the police. <<Dear, sweet Jesus. What had I done?>> Who was this guy? It went downhill from there.

For the next several months, it seemed like we argued constantly. We had never done that before we were engaged. It felt so wrong; I was so confused. Our constant clashing was chipping away at Tom’s veneer so that I could clearly begin to see his true colors. I discovered that Tom was a very controlling individual and was big on wives being submissive to their husbands. His expectation was, among other things, that I would ask permission to go to the grocery store once we were married. <<Even so, Lord, come quickly.>> I felt guilty even thinking about breaking our engagement. Back in the 70’s, engagements were practically as sacred as marriage and you didn’t break them without having a very good reason. I wish my parents had intervened (they knew what was going on). But they didn’t. Would I have listened to them? You bet! I was having serious misgivings and I needed someone to say, “It’s okay to walk away.”

Finally, at Easter time, I sat down with Tom and said that I no longer thought it was God’s will for us to get married. He was devastated and said the famous 4 little words, “I promise–I’ll change.” Have you ever been there, witnessing the extreme need for change either in yourself or in someone else? What I know with certainty, after having lived a fairly long life, is that when you hear those 4 little words, it is most difficult for the one saying them to actually follow through on the vow to change without some serious intervention. That is one life lesson I tried to drill into my children. Beware. In fact, turn and run as fast as you can, if at all possible. It’s a losing proposition, most of the time, except through the grace and transforming work of God.

So, what happened? Being the compliant, submissive, hopeful, trusting person I was, I believed Tom when he said he would change and I didn’t walk away. But God…. <<Jesus loves me, this I know.>> Tom’s big dream was to become a pediatrician (one reason I was drawn to him–he loved children). During the last two months of our engagement, Tom went through his pediatrics rotation–and he flunked the final exam. He would never be a pediatrician. His dreams were shattered. In utter despair, he called me one week before our wedding day and said he couldn’t go through with it. Oh, dear, sweet Jesus!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! In retrospect, I couldn’t help wonder what would have happened if this had occurred 7 days after our wedding instead of 7 days before.

Differences between two individuals can help sanctify and purify them, knocking off the rough edges and making them more like Jesus, as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). In this case, however, while sanctification no doubt was occurring, the friction was exposing a very sordid and self-centered side to Tom that I hadn’t detected before we got engaged because, on the surface, he sparkled–in the same way that the friction of washing my carpet had exposed its hidden, unattractive, original, unrefined color instead of restoring it to its deceptively beautiful but false color that so swiftly washed away.

I have thanked God regularly for the way He has been my Husband throughout my lifetime–when I needed my father to protect me from an unsavory engagement, throughout my marriage to Bruce (when he couldn’t be the perfect husband, just as I couldn’t be the perfect wife), during his ongoing recovery from his stroke, and now, as a widow.

“Fear not, for you will not be put to shame;
And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced;
But you will forget the shame of your youth,
And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the Lord of hosts.” ~Isaiah 54:4,5

My brother and sister-in-law, John and Cindy, were married 4 weeks before Tom and I were to be married. Tom was one of their groomsmen. Cindy asked me once, years ago, if it bothered me that Tom was in their wedding pictures. I replied, “Not at all! It’s a constant reminder of God’s providence and goodness and grace towards me.” I found out, eventually, that Tom had become an OB/GYN doctor. The irony of life was that our son, David, discovered, through a random conversation, that a girl he dated for a period of time in high school was delivered by Tom. We had a good laugh about that!

I can’t help but end with a favorite Stevie Wonder song, being ever-thankful to God for giving me clarity and protection at a very crucial and vulnerable time in my life–both before and after the 44 1/2 years of marriage He blessed me with Bruce:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

I think I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day