Trusting God’s Sovereignty

Bruce and I were married on February 22, 1975. He passed away on November 11, 2019. Some would say that this past Saturday, February 22, would have been our 45th anniversary. And thank you to those who wished me a happy anniversary. I appreciate it and know the sentiment was expressed to bring me comfort in remembering “our” day.

That being said, my convictions and my faith cause me to be very precise with terminology when it comes to dates. I prefer to say, “Bruce and I were married 45 years ago on February 22. Because, if I said, “Saturday would have been our 45th anniversary,” the unspoken thought is, “…if Bruce hadn’t had a stroke and eventually died.” But, according to God’s divine plan for Bruce and for me, Bruce was never not going to have a stroke on June 1 and he was never not going to die on November 11 from the effects of a fall. In 5 more years I will not say, “This would have been our 50th anniversary,” because God did not ordain that we would ever have a 50th anniversary. But I might say on February 22, 2025, “Bruce and I were married 50 years ago today.”

Bruce was born on November 20, 1952. He died on November 11 at the age of 66–the anniversary of his birth was 9 days later. But it wouldn’t have been his 67th birthday, because God had ordained that Bruce’s last day on earth and first day in heaven would be November 11. He was never going to have a 67th birthday.

It may seem like splitting hairs, or a simple case of semantics, but I believe the distinction is important in the way we view life events and the sovereignty of God. When we say or think, “He/she would have been ‘x’ years old, ” or they would have been married ‘x’ number of years,” we are really saying, “…if this or that hadn’t happened.” Which, to me, can be the same thing as saying or thinking, “If God had just prevented ‘so-and-so,” or, “If God had not allowed ‘so-and-so’ to happen,”…”someone would be celebrating a birthday or an anniversary (or maybe even a wedding, in the case of the death of a fiancée).”

This is why unswerving faith in the goodness and sovereignty of God is so crucial. It puts the skids on the unceasing angst caused by thinking, “If only…,” and keeps our minds and thoughts focused on the omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence of God. Nothing escapes God; nothing slips through the cracks; He never slumbers nor blinks. His thoughts and His ways are much higher than ours. The things we view as tragic are the continuous unfolding of God’s preordained work in His children to further their sanctification and purification, to keep our eyes and hearts focused on Him, to make us more like Him and, by so doing, to bring glory to His name. And He uses the desperately heartbreaking moments in life to turn the eyes and hearts of those who do not yet know Him towards the only One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

I’m grateful God doesn’t let us know in advance what our final day on earth, or those of our loved ones, will be. On the one hand, with not knowing, human’s tend to presume one’s life span (you know, 3 score and 10) and take each other for granted until something really bad happens. On the other hand, if we knew, we might spend our days dreading how little time we had left with someone instead of enjoying living life with them for the time that God has ordained.

Just to keep it real, I would like to share that Saturday was a very, very, sad day for me. I had been dreading it, being quite certain that it would be the hardest of the significant days and holidays I’ve lived through without Bruce. And it was. For the most part, I did not spend the day reflecting on our wedding or special times in our marriage; it was too painful. I mourned the loss of Bruce. I experienced the same gut-punching feeling that I did the night Bruce died. I was no longer married to Bruce. I was no longer his wife. It’s a really dark, empty feeling, and I continue to just let my mind process this reality at its own pace. But it was especially poignant on Saturday.

I did think about one endearing, bittersweet memory. Our 25th anniversary was on a Tuesday. At that time in life, I was the organizer of a chess club of 100 students at our younger daughter’s elementary school, which met on Tuesdays. So, the week before, I let the students know that chess club would be canceled on February 22 due to Bruce’s and my celebrating our anniversary. Well, when you’re in elementary school, numbers are just relative and carry little meaning. So one student told her mother that there would be no chess club because we would be celebrating our 50th anniversary (I was 47 at the time). The chess mom and I had a good laugh about that! I’m so glad I didn’t know we wouldn’t have a 50th anniversary. Ironically, one of my chess students from that chess club got married this past Saturday!

On Saturday, I watched one of my favorite movies, “Fireproof,” starring Kirk Cameron. In it he plays the role of a firefighter whose marriage is falling apart, largely due to some seriously bad choices he has made that he refuses to acknowledge or own. His father tells him he needs Jesus and gives him tools for wooing his wife back through godly, sacrificial love. At first Kirk’s character rejects the idea that his only hope is God, but out of desperation, as his wife is about to leave him, he turns his life over to God. Not only does his wife see the dramatic change in him but is so dumbfounded that she does a 180 and says she wants what he has. A beautiful song, called, “While I’m Waiting,” plays while Kirk’s character is praying for his wife to change her mind. The lyrics and tune are so mesmerizingly beautiful and perfect for me, as I wait to see how God will continue to unfold His plan for me.

While I’m Waiting

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I’ll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting